Rated PG-13 - Running Time: 1:35 - Released 3/30/01
SOMEONE LIKE YOU
Rated PG-13 - Running Time: 1:35 - Released 3/30/01
I don't use the word "tripe" very often. But for some
reason, during most of the running length of Tony Goldwyn's sappy
romantic comedy Someone Like You, that word kept running
through my mind. If this week's other release, Tomcats,
represents the worst depths to which a "guy flick" could
devolve, then Someone Like You is its perfect counterpart
for the opposite sex. The third directorial effort for Goldwyn
(A Walk On The Moon), who has appeared as an actor in films
like Ghost and, more recently, The
6th Day, Someone Like You gives more evidence that
Ashley Judd should never, ever be allowed in front of a camera,
and though supporting performers Greg Kinnear, Hugh Jackman, and
Marisa Tomei try their best to bring things up to par, it's like
spraying cologne in a Woodstock Port-A-Pot: it's just not happening.
Besides the utter putrescence of Judd's performance, the film
springs from such a bad script (by Elizabeth Chandler, based on
the novel by Laura Zigman), I can't imagine how anyone could make
it watchable. Goldwyn is certainly not equipped. From the painfully
insipid voiceover introduction, which Judd delivers like she's
reading it for the first time, the dialogue is not practical,
realistic, or even remotely clever, and the emotional permutations
her character goes through defy credulity.
Judd plays Jane Goodale (pronounced "Goodall," like
the famous scientist who studies gorillas — a very important
point in this highly intelligent story), a talent coordinator
for one of those yellow-journalistic TV talk shows. Early on,
she introduces us to her theory about why men can't commit to
real relationships: The New Cow Theory. Are you listening, Helen
Gurley Brown? Bulls don't like to have sex with the same cow more
than once, and men are the same way. That's about it. They are
constantly seeking "the new cow" so they can fulfill
their "copulatory imperative," and this forces them,
beyond their control, to seek out a different woman after they've
slept with the current one. Scientific, eh?
Jane's theory comes from her brief romance with co-worker Ray
(Kinnear), the sensitive, romantic guy who represents one half
of the male stereotype presence in the film. The other half is
her other co-worker Eddie (Jackman), the cynical bastard and one-night-stand
practitioner who regularly makes her "lose all faith in men."
When she and Ray fall head over heels in love, like people do
in these movies, she is ecstatic and fulfilled, confiding to her
best friend Liz (Tomei) that everything is beautiful despite the
fact that Ray already has a girlfriend whom he refers to as "the
one." Then, when he inexplicably dumps her, like men do in
these movies, she moves in with Eddie (who's been looking for
a roomate) and comes up with her mad cow theory. As if this were
not stupid enough in its own right, she then publishes her findings
under a pseudonym, masquerading as an elderly female scientist
named Dr. Marie Charles, and it is a runaway best seller, prompting
Jane's boss (Ellen Barkin) to book the fictional Dr. Charles for
an interview.
Beyond the fact that Judd is ill-equipped to do anything believable on the screen, despite that her fake giddy schoolgirl act is no more compelling than her fake man-hating pragmatist, and disregarding that she can't even pronounce the word "realtor" correctly, this film suffers from the larger issue of the poor quality text. Jane's dippy voiceovers continue ad nauseum throughout the film, explaining to us what we shouldn't need explained, and leaving us alone to fathom why the characters are doing and saying things no homo sapiens would ever do or say. Goldwyn is powerless to lift the finished product above its low-level foundation, and even if he were, he apparently lacks the clout, or the inclination, to find an actress able to handle the part. *