Okay! Uncle! I admit it--I'm dying of sexual frustration! Did you ever try your best to be an honorable, decent person, but discover that your current path is leading inevitably to lifelong depression caused by a lack of romantic and sexual fulfillment? What’s a decent guy supposed to do? I’ve decided what to do: Seek some kind of change in my sex life before I go crazy. So here it is, my profile. And it’s not limited to 1000 words. It’s real. So deal wit it. Get a snack.

I am looking to meet someone (female) in my general vicinity for friendly e-mail chatting, with the possible option of a romantic/sexual liason. Since all the dating/hook-up websites that I have perused charge so freakin’ much for people to converse and only allow limited space for profile information, I have decided to put together my own profile with more detailed info for inclusion on the web. Take that, suckas! I’m not cheap, but I just feel it’s ridiculous to pay so much just for the opportunity to talk about sex or to meet with like-minded people. We all need love, we all need sex, we’re all adults, and we shouldn’t have to shell out to some Internet company just to talk, or even to hook up. So I propose that if you have found my profile interesting on some other site, or if you've just stumbled onto this page and are intrigued, that we correspond by conventional e-mail. I know this isn't as secure, and you don't have to do this if you're uncomfortable with it, but I won't last forever on the pay sites. I hereby promise if you e-mail me, I will not stalk you, spam you, or ever share your address with anyone. I do get a hell of a lot of spam, so if you do contact me that way, make sure you mention your profile name or some other hint that I know you. Otherwise, I may delete your message before looking closely. Then I would say, "D'OHH!"

I am in my 40s and, I hope, reasonably attractive. I have been told I have nice hair. Put it this way: some women around my age have said they think I’m sexy, while most women in their 20s seem to look through me as if I don’t exist. Maybe it’s just mid-life crisis, but I seem to have reached a psychological turning point. I know myself well enough to know that if I don’t do something soon I’m going to go out of my freakin' mind. I’m married with 3 kids, and love my family dearly, and have no desire or intention to leave them or split up my marriage. My wife and I love each other and have a generally enjoyable sex life. But she knows that I need something more and that it doesn’t help my relationship with her if I am constantly wishing for something I can’t have. She’s cool, I’m cool, and we have a cool relationship. We’re secure enough together to allow for some extramarital experimentation.

I am an intelligent person with a good sense of humor. As you have found if you’ve read any of my movie reviews, I can be clever and funny, and somewhat irreverent, but also have a good sense of moral responsibility and an understanding of what makes a person honorable and respectable. Some people may think that someone who seeks sexual experimentation outside his marriage cannot be honorable. But I disagree. I try to be a good husband to my wife and a good father to my children, and I don’t want to ruin their lives for my own selfish pleasure. I have simply come to the realization that I need something my marriage can’t provide. Push has come to shove, you see. I ask you, is it better to 1) divorce my wife, or 2) become so depressed and frustrated that I’m not a nice person, or 3) to seek something outside that will help me be happy and content? I think it’s the latter. A person can have sex outside marriage and still be a good person. Have I obsessed enough about that yet?

I do not believe in God. I have been exposed to religion, and while I totally respect anyone’s beliefs, I have come to realize it’s just not for me. My wife and children are Lutherans, and I think it is probably best for the kids to have some religious upbringing, because I think people who are religious/spiritual are generally happier than those who do not have any such belief system. I want my kids to be happy. But I also want them to have the freedom to choose how they want to believe. After knowing me for 20 years (and just generally living life), my wife has grown to question some things about organized religion, but she still retains a strong faith in some higher power. She has become more open to respecting the beliefs of others, and realizes that religion is something very personal to every individual. I believe that too.

I have a strong interest in music. I play the piano some and am trying to learn the guitar. I love 60s-70s rock music the most; my favorite artists are The Beatles, Pink Floyd, The Who, Chicago, CSNY, Billy Joel, Paul Simon, Peter Gabriel, Dire Straits, Talking Heads, The Grateful Dead, etc., but I also have respect for more recent artists like No Doubt, Beck, and The Corrs. I am almost always listening to music, at work, at home, on the road. Right now I’m at work with Rickie Lee Jones singing in my earphones.

I can be extremely romantic. I like to fly kites, look at the stars (I know all the constellations) and take walks that last for hours. I am a long-time bicyclist, although a recent injury has hindered that somewhat (more on that below). I cook, I clean, I cuddle, I don’t leave the seat up. I play the piano, I love candle light and bathing together. I love kissing and touching even more than sex.

What I’m Looking For:

I'm looking for someone within my general vicinity, within a couple hours' drive of western MD (close to Pittsburgh, Morgantown and Cumberland), who is not freaked out by the idea of being with a married man. It's okay if you're married too, as long as your husband isn't going to come looking for me with a shotgun. I'm not looking to humiliate him any more than to humiliate my wife. That's not what this is about.

I am fascinated by all women. I like femininity. I think the female form is incredibly beautiful; it's no surprise so many artists have used it as a subject. Right now, I have to admit I’m most interested in women who are reasonably fit, in their 30s to 50s, who are pretty, funny, intelligent, cool, and compassionate. I mean no disrespect to BBW’s, but to be truthful I have been with them for most of my sexual life, and that is a factor in my decision to look for something new. I’d like a partner who can wear sexy Victoria’s Secret underwear and make it look good. I love tight jeans and pretty panties. Forgive me if this seems shallow, but that’s how it is—if I’m going to pursue this thing, I might as well state what I want, right? That said, I would not rule out anyone until I had become at least a little familiar with her personality. A woman’s attitude/outlook is much more a factor in sexiness for me than physical attributes. Above all, I like women who are accepting, friendly, liberal-minded, and not afraid to admit that they like sex.

I’m not interested in anything kinky; no groups, no BDSM, no scarring, or psychological games. On the other hand, I'm open to helping you explore your fetish(es), unless they totally go against my grain. If I have a fetish it might be for lingerie/ panties (I love all the beautiful different styles, prints, and colors), women in uniform, or in a position of respect, like a teacher. I have enjoyed some role-playing in the past, but I do not wish to be humiliated or abused, or to do that to my partner. I am a professional photographer; I would love to take photos of you, for my own private use. I would NEVER make them public or show them to anyone. On the other hand, if you have exhibitionist tendencies and are interested in putting some images out there for people to see, that can certainly be arranged. And of course I love all the things people always love, like nice restaurants, long walks, long talks, and romantic candlelight. Things like hair color and nationality/race are not important to me. I have never been with anyone other than a Caucasian, but would certainly be interested in trying something new. I don’t smoke, but I don’t mind if you do. I drink occasionally; it’s not a daily habit, but I often do have a beer after work.

I am not a one-night stand type, and I’m not a porn star. I would want to take a while to get to know each other. I doubt if I would want to have sex with you on our first meeting--at this point in my life I'm not sure how I even feel about sex--but I probably would sometime down the line. To tell you the truth, my fantasies are more about foreplay--touching, kissing, talking--than actual sex. We would have to decide together how things are going and what is to be the next step. I don’t want to rush things.

And Now For My Bullet Points:

• COOL: Shouldn’t have started with this one. Not really sure what cool is, but I’m easygoing, relaxed, and am occasionally able to make a somewhat hip cultural reference.

• FRIENDLY: I believe in peace. I believe everybody out there is in need of love and understanding, just like Rickie Lee says. I give everybody the benefit of the doubt. I may not like everyone, but I try not to judge.

• HONEST: I promise everything I ever tell you will be the truth. It’s as simple as that.

• SAFE: I have been in a monogamous relationship for over 20 years. I have never been tested for HIV, but I give blood regularly, and they apparently test for it, and they've never called me with any bad news. I have never had an STD or taken illegal drugs with needles. I am passionately non-violent, and I would NEVER raise a hand to anyone.

• LIBERAL: I strive to be generous, accepting, and environmentally friendly. I don't believe in war, ever. I think the Defense Department should be for defense. I respect people who use reason rather than religious or political dogma to deal with problems.

• HONORABLE: I’m not perfect, but I try to be as good a man as I can.

• CLEAN: Despite having some hippie sensibilities, I am clean. I bathe regularly. I trim my fingernails. I use Binaca. I wash my hands after using the bathroom. I don't smell, except maybe like soap, or, if you get really close, a little subtle cologne.

• HANDY: I have spent 20 years working on/restoring our 100-year-old house, and I'm not bad with a hammer. Need some plumbing done in your kitchen? Some drywall finished in the hall? Forget it--but I may be able to help you in the bedroom. HoHO! See what I did there?

• ATTRACTIVE: I think my looks are probably about average. Some women have told my wife I’m sexy. I have nice, thick, brown/gray hair, which I wear at different lengths depending on my mood. Sometimes I wear a closely trimmed beard/moustache. But it’s my personality that I hope you'll really like. :-)

• SEXIST: If we ever meet, I will be checking you out. And I will be fantasizing about you. I want to put my hands on you, you see. Until you give me the OK to do that, I'll have to settle for putting my eyes there. You are sexy. Get used to it.

• NON-SEXIST: I believe women can do absolutely everything men can do, except make sperm and get prostate cancer. There may be some careers or avocations to which men are better suited because of various physiological factors, but that doesn’t mean women can’t do them just as well. Now, if they could only get paid the same...

• POLITE: I say 'please' and 'thank you.' I am courteous. I will hold the door for you, if I'm in front of you when we get to the door. If not, you're on your own.

• SUCCESSFUL: I am one of 4 owners of a successful, 130-year-old publishing company and am, I believe, generally respected in my community. Unfortunately, this does not mean that I am 1) fabulously wealthy or 2) in love with my job. But I have 3 kids who love me. You decide how successful I am.

• YOUNG AT HEART: Dude.

• FUNNY: Haven't you gotten that yet, from reading all this shit? What are you, blonde? Eeeeeexcellent..... (tents fingers)

• EDUCATED: I hold a bachelor’s degree from an accredited university, but life experience has taught me waaaay more than college.

• SMART: I read. I also write, so I have excellent grammar and spelling skills. I'm not much into fiction, though--I hardly ever read novels. I mostly read about history. I am usually pretty good at trivia games. Ever play Strip Trivial Pursuit? I'll have you naked in a half hour, bitch.

• DISABLED: After suffering a lower back injury some years ago, I have lost some of the feeling and control of my left ankle/foot. It’s nerve damage, and it’s permanent. I have a slight limp. It’s not spectacular, but if you’ve ever wanted to do it with a crip, now’s your chance, baby!

• ROMANTIC: Yes, yes, fine dining, candle light, walks on the beach, of course. But I can teach you the constellations, play “New York State Of Mind” on the piano, and, if the need arises, kiss your tears away.

• MUSIC: I told you already—Floyd, Beatles, Stones, Bowie, Heads, Dead, Tubes, Corrs.

• LAST BOOKS READ: Skipping to Gomorrah by Dan Savage, I Me Mine by George Harrison, The Pianist by Wladislaw Szpilman, John Adams bio by David McCullough.

• 5 THINGS I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT: Air, food, water, love, iPod. Duh. What am I, Bear Grylls?

• CELEBRITY I MOST RESEMBLE: On a good hair day: Think Clapton, early ‘90s. Bad day: Alice on Brady Bunch.

Okay, that's enough. I could go on and on about me. You can read my bio page or any of my reviews to get more of an idea of who I am. But I want to learn more about you. So e-mail me!

Last Update: 7/28/09